if only i could text you this smell
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
