time to smoke my breakfast
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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