Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
