She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
