I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
