the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
