im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
