You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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