They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
