can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
i've created a new STD.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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