Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
are you so shy because you have an std?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Randomize
