dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
