Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
