I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
