Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Randomize
