even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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