Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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