we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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