k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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