did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
