So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
