every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
