When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
