my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
