I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
