Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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