I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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