Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
