the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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