3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I can't put those talents on a resume
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
