John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Randomize
