There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
