I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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