This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
