I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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