trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
