Soap is not a condiment
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
