You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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