i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize