Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
