If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
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