So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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