The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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