omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Randomize
