i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Randomize
