nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
