There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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