If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
