I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
