I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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