I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
