my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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