hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
