if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
