you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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