dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
