Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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