i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I need a beard to bite.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
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